Happy and Whole

Major healing has happened in my heart this summer. And all the glory goes right up to God for it. Just like cute, little Gabby Douglas said, "the glory goes up to Him, and the blessings fall down on me."

I finally feel like I have blessings falling down on me! (It has been a LONG time coming)

I am feeling beyond BLESSED lately. It makes me smile just to see myself type that... for real. I am beaming with excitement that I am finally feeling this way! It has become increasingly apparent to me that I have been able to leave behind my feelings of discontentment, anger, fear, anxiety, dread, jealousy, etc (lots of bad feelings) in regards to my past 2 years. We all know what that entails, I won't even go into the deets of all that, yet again.

I know I posted about all we've been able to do this summer, and how I have enjoyed Jakey, motherhood, family, and just life in general this summer. It has to do with a couple things. First and foremost, I've been able to just sit back, chill out, and ENJOY LIFE--because I finally gave it all up to the One who had it all to begin with! Second, I have realized that I AM right where God wants me. (I am in no way knocking non only child-ness with what I'm about to say, it's just how I know I'm right where God wants me) However... it has become VERY increasingly apparent to me that most the things we have been able to do this summer, I could never have done, had MY plan (not God's) worked out the way I had hoped for it to. God really DOES know way better than me. Not that I will ever just forget about what we've gone through... no, it's all still there. But I'm not dwelling on it and living only for it (big diff). Instead, now all that is just a part of our past. We are living for the here and now. We get to go... and do... and we have a blast. We can go to the pool whenever we want. We can go to the bounce-around whenever we want. We can have lunch dates with just he and I, or us and a couple friends. Whatever we want... there's only the one kid whose schedule I have to work around, there's just the one kid that has needs, one I have to pay for, buy for, there's just the one kid that I have to keep up with, or entertain, or teach, and mostly... I've been given this one precious kiddo to give all of my heart's mommy-love to. It has been an awesome time of just Jake-ness. And I'll say it, selfishly... I am not even sure anymore when I want to make Jake a sibling. That's saying a lot since I've wanted a second kid from the time Jake was 10 months old! I seriously can't even believe I feel the way I do about it now. It's been so long since I have had to prevent pregnancy, that I almost laugh about my complete opposite, current feelings on the subject. I am just having so much fun right now with "just Jake". Like I said, I don't mean to knock anyone else's situations. I'm just finally to a point where I'm not burning with envy when I see a mom with her 2 year old and her baby. Nope... much the opposite.  I'm not sure how I can express how great it finally feels to be content with me, us, everything. Now I just smile and kiss my little boy on the head when I see that same situation that made me burn with envy not even 4 months ago. :) It is just more reassurance that I am healing--and THAT is what makes me smile.

Like I said, I'm totally not knocking having more than one kid! I'd still love for that to be us... someday. Just not quite yet. And that's what I'm so happy about. Just being content with the here and now. I actually had some say to me recently that the "worst case scenario" in regards to child/age-spacing (which a whole other topic that makes me laugh... since I had it all "planned" out, y'know) would be to "only have one kid". I almost couldn't pick my jaw up off the ground when that was said, seeing that there is still a possibility that Jake could be an only-child forever and I do not consider that a "worst-case scenario" of any sort! I'm sure glad God gives us different desires, because I am just so thankful for the one (happy and healthy) kiddo that I DO have. And if God never desires for us to have another little Pickle... then... Jake is all we need, and that certainly is NOT a worst case scenario. I think people never think about what they're saying when they say it. HA. Thankfully, we are all different, and no one's needs are exactly the same. I don't think it would suck at all to have more than one kid right now! BUT I am so thankful for the time I am getting to spend with just me and my little boy. I'm thankful and content with the here and now. Finally.

God knew what He was doing when He kept Jake an only child for a while longer than I thought I wanted. HE knew what we all needed. Granted, yes, it came at a price. But I promise you, they are life lessons that I would not trade for the world. Every loss had a purpose. Each one making me who I am today, and the family that we are right now. I don't know, I just wanted to document this so I would be able to remember this time in my life...

When I felt whole again...

And it feels sooooo good.

It's another happy day.

Happy Wednesday, friends!

Hap Birt Ja!

Jake is 30 months old today!

Happy 1/2 birthday, Jakey!

NEW TRADITIONAL ALERT!!!

We celebrated Jake's half birthday with a half of a cookie cake and a half birthday message to boot. 

I sure love this wild, and crazy little kiddo! He makes life so fun!

Happy Monday almost Tuesday!!

Summer!

SUMMER!!!!

This is where we spend a large part of our days. :)

This summer has been SO much fun! I can hardly handle how much fun that sweet, little boy makes summertime. I haven't even really cared for summer since I was a little kid! We spend a LOT of our free in the pool. You would not have any idea looking at me that we spend so much time in direct sunlight, as the only time I actually GET a tan is when I get burnt to a crisp. And since melanoma runs it's nasty little head really deep within my family's veins... I am a sunscreen and hat wearing QUEEN!!!  (Side note here--SPF and shade are your outside-time friend!!) Jake, on the other hand, can wear as much sunscreen as I can apply and STILL get a tan. Not fair, but thanks to a little thing I call fake-bake, AKA VersaSpa, I can appear tan. ;-) Also, if you're thinking about making the plunge into summertime color so you don't blind people, as was my thoughts... let me tell you that I get a lot of comments on how natural it looks. Well, actually, people just assume I have gotten sun... I make sure they know it's not real. ;-) I can not believe I haven't posted in OVER a month! Seriously... OVER a month. Since it's been so long, this actually ended up being a long post. Oops!

I started this post wanting to talk about how I can finally, finally, fiiiiiinallyyyyyyyy say that I am on the downward slope to healing from my horrific past 2 years. And I am SO, SOOOO excited about it. I can see pregnant people now without thinking terrible thoughts, I can even see the kids that are around the age mine would be, without thinking every single time-"that's what my kid would be doing right now if everything had worked out".

Let me tell you how I finally saw the Light. And I really mean capital 'L' because it would never happen without the grace and mercy of our forgiving GOD.

I am overwhelmingly aware that I have been at the mercy of Satan throughout a lot of my recent past, and only due to my own stubbornness amongst many other flaws. I am totally aware. I was grieving, sure. Tons of different things. Ideas, emotions, dreams, babies, blah, blah... But I would think and say things that were completely not EVEN true. Like I basically blamed all of it on GOD because He DOES have the power to stop it. And I'm not going to say that Satan caused my miscarriages. GOD knew it was going to happen, it was in His will. It was however, a perfect time for Satan weave his webs of lies and deceit. And I admit, I took that bait more often than I should've. I'm not saying I went out on some crazy binges or something. HA! All I'm saying is that my life, my attitude, my words... it was evident that I had let Satan creep in.

ANYWAY... enough of that. I want to spill on how, or what, helped me finally turn back to the arms of my loving Savior. Because, as He always is... He was waiting for me with open arms.

You guys know of the Duggars, yes? The family in Tontitown, AR with 19 kids? Show on tv, 19 Kids and Counting... Them. Anyway, if you watch it for 5 minutes you will notice that they are an impeccable family. The couple, Jim Bob and Michelle have written some books. I was reading their book, "A Love That Multiplies". I read it based on recommendations for parenting advice. :) (A completely different topic). They have a LOT of life experiences. One might think their miscarriage is what helped me heal. Nope. Then maybe the early delivery and many trying months of her care and juggling a large family helped me. Not it either. They did have quite a few deaths of parents and other mishaps in their recent past. Nope, not it. It was a simple story from several years back when Jim Bob had run for Arkansas state representative and then for the US Senate. You can read about this on page 82, "Stepping Out In Faith". He prefaced the story with how time after time they would see God's hand of provision over them when "bad" things would happen and they would always turn out for the good. He said after a while, they stopped asking God, "why?" He told how, several years ago, (and I remember part of one of his political campaigns... living so close to AR we saw all the politics of the area and I remember thinking they had a LOT of kids... which back then was only a fraction of what they now have!) Annnnyway, back to the story. So he felt God telling him to run for state rep. He did. He won. He served two, two-year terms and then felt God telling him to run for US Senate. He says how he was running against the incumbent and had only himself, basically, as party support. They put in over $100,000 of their OWN money (and you have to know that they live completely debt free) into the US Senate campaign; while his opponent had like $2 million in campaign monies. For real, ya'll? So, election day comes around, they view it as a great opportunity to take the (they homeschool, and just read the books... they are awesome at it) kids to show them how they vote. So, they took all like 13 kids or something and showed them the ropes, etc. He says it was a hectic day, they were barely aware of the AP photographer that snapped their picture that day.

He lost the election. He says, they didn't ask God why, they knew there was a plan and he says they prayed, "God, we're ready for our next assignment!" Little did they know... the next day, that photo was in The New York Times. People, we are talking about... The New York Times. Someone from Parents magazine saw that picture in that paper and set up an interview with the Duggar family. From there, the CEO of Discovery Health saw THAT interview. DHC contacted them to see about a documentary!  After a couple documentaries TLC picked them up as a regular show. Now seriously, all because he ran and lost not only an election, but $110,000 of their OWN money.

I don't know if it's just money that talks to me, or what (I really hope that isn't the case!) But after I read that, I got to thinking about my OWN recent past. HELLO?! WHY could I not see the things in my past that I thought were just horrific, that ended up being incredible blessings?!! Let me remind you about it here. If you don't have the time (bc it's long, as always) to read about that, let me brief you. Derick got a job in Texas just after he graduated. Jake was 4 months old. I quit my job as a full-time RN. D began going away to TX to work, and coming home on the weekends. I stayed behind preparing our to sell. We had TONS of lookers... And no buyers. I became discouraged and distraught at the fact that our little boy was growing up away from his daddy. I packed on my own, I sold most our furniture on my own. It was not fun. (all the while I was not trusting God... I was panicking. Why don't we learn?!) In July, I believe, we got an offer and we accepted. It was a VA loan. If you don't know, they are pain in the REAR to deal with. We didn't end up closing until OCTOBER. For real. In the meantime, D was about to lose his job at Halliburton bc they wanted him to be studying constantly and D spent all that time driving back and forth to see his wife and baby. I thought I was going to lose my mind. I nearly did. By this time, J and I were living with my parents.

Hindsight... thankfully, our house didn't sell or close quickly because we had a contingency on a house in TX. We would be stuck with that house in TX and no jobs. D and I remembered a couple leads back here in OK and he followed those leads and ended up at his current job. Where we're supposed to be. We're all safe and sound, in our own house, with good, solid jobs. Phew! Lesson learned, trust God. Right... I very obviously do not learn lessons very well!

In both my situations... if I would just TRUST from the very beginning, I would realize that everything really IS in God's control, and His plan IS perfect. I still don't know why this happened/is happening to us. I have zero idea. But I know one thing... it is for a better purpose. I can see some purpose occasionally as I am able to minister (sometimes in ways I have no idea I am ministering in) to people that have been affected by loss, the heartache and grief that goes along with it.

Anyway, all that to say... I am SO excited that I am FINALLY healing!! God used the strangest of random stories in a book by the Duggars, of all things, to speak to my heart and soften it just enough to help me remember that He always is with me, even when I don't acknowledge or remember it.

Praise God for His everlasting love and mercy.

This picture is completely random, but just really adorable. They were changing the oil in the truck. So cute!!

It is a happy Monday, friends.

Summer Fun and Summer Plans!

Nothing too exciting going on at the house of Pickle lately. I have been working extra hours the past few weeks. I usually work two 12 hour shifts per week. I know I've mentioned before how much I love my job. Not only do I love what I do, but I also love the flexibility that being a nurse entails. We wanna go on a cruise? Sure thing, I'll pick up a few extra shifts and let's go, buddy! ;-) But, I don't wanna work that much all the time. Flexibility! And I like it! So... we are going on another cruise in September! Wooo!!! Derick, Jake and I will be visiting Jamaica, Grand Cayman, and Cozumel. We leave out of NOLA, which we've never been to, so we'll spend a day or two there too. We are so ready for September! And I am so thankful the quickly decided upon trip is almost paid in full! Yay for being a nurse. Ha.

We've been doing the summer thing. Swimming, eating lots of ice cream, snow cones, butter (wait, what?), playing with friends, being nakey (Jake, that is), visiting Nena & Pop, picking peppers, and of course lots of snuggling! Ok, so the last one wasn't really a summer thing, but it's summer and we are doing lots of snuggling, so that makes it a summer thing!

We spent Memorial Day weekend at a cabin in Wister, OK on Lake Wister. It's a tiny little town (with great cultural experiences if you're not used to small towns lol) in LeFlore County really close to where my mom grew up! We had a blast "roughing it" it wasn't really roughing it, though my mom liked to say it was. ;-) Here's a photo collage of some of the pics I took while we were there.

We made s'mores, we played in the water, went fishing, went for bike rides, played at the park, napped, grilled out. It was really a lot of fun for a little family getaway. I liked it mostly because it was a lot of "quality time". :)

I hope everyone has a great Father's Day weekend! I know I was blessed with a fantastic dad, and so was Jake! We'll be celebrating them this weekend!!

Happy Wednesday, friends!

Chocolate Donuts

I have been trying to figure out how I was going to write this post. I can't figure out how to lead into it, and I can't really think in thoughts what I want to say, so I feel like I'm going to do the typing form of verbal diarrhea and just put it out there.


Derick and I have been purposely trying to conceive a second child since October 2010. We have had success, but those successes quickly turned into failures... three times. 19 months, it was. Somewhere in the range of a little over 560 days. I will be the first to say that I fully understand that in comparison to some people's journeys, 560 days is not much. But it's certainly not nothing. 


Without disclosing complete full details, names, etc, I'm gonna delve into why I am so baffled and just emotionally wasted. But also overcoming a lot of grief at the same time.


When I found out I was pregnant this last time, I just knew there was no possible way that I would have 3 losses in a row. Who on earth does that happen to? I know Job had a lot more grief in his time of trial. And I'll be honest, in self pity, I have been known to refer to myself as the reproductive version of Job. Well, here's why. Sure 3 losses, pick your stuff up and move on, right? Then add to that 3 of the closest people in my life all pregnant at the same time. 2 of them actually have 2 of my 3 miscarriage's actual due dates. I am not joking. And 2 of them (while I was trying SO hard) were complete surprise pregnancies. And those same 2, we would have all three been pregnant together and delivered our children literally within days of one another, and OH how fun would that be?! Right, keep dreaming, Pickle. These girls know that I love them very dearly and am in no way blaming them for anything. They also have been EXTREMELY understanding of my extremely conflicting and confusing feelings throughout. So, not only all that, but one day I grouped together all pregnant women on my facebook and had 27 of them. I totally get that it's the time in my age-group's lives to reproduce but wow, 27 is a large number of impregnated women! All this and let's not forget my line of work! In my five and a half years as an L&D RN I do believe during the first 4 years I could have easily counted on my two hands the number of adoptions, and things of that nature, I had encountered. And I worked for one of, if not the, busiest L&D units in the metro area. Well, in the last 560 days, I have seen SO MANY adoptions, teen mothers, unfit parents, DHS involvement, etc than I had seen in all of my prior nursing career. I can not even begin to tell you what kind of emotional toll it takes on the soul to care for these poor mothers and their children. I am not saying that God has placed adopting on our hearts. I feel like that is a major decision and I feel like it's something God has to place on both parent's hearts. And at this time, it is not something we feel like God is leading us to do. In fact, we have had more reassurance and affirmation that things will be perfectly fine if Jake is our only child. So here is what sealed the deal. The weekend of yet another announcement that took all of 3 months to get pregnant, Derick and I decided that for our emotional well-being and for the benefit of our son, it was high time to take a break from the world of trying to conceive. I was at the very end of a cycle. If you have ever spent a large chunk of your life trying to get pregnant, you can agree with me that the 2 week wait is horrific. Well, I was nearing the end of my 2 week wait. Having the knowledge of my clotting disorders, I have to be testing daily in case it comes up positive, so that if it does, I can get on medicine ASAP. So, THE night we decided this was it, I walk into walmart to get a box of HPT's. And I did not dilly dally, I literally walked straight to the pharmacy, grabbed the tests, and walked to the register. I stood in line with not 1, but 2 screaming newborns. One of which had an older sibling sitting up front in the basket that appeared to be around Jake's age, sucking what appeared to be apple juice out of a bottle. Which register did I happen to pick? Oh, the one with a very, very young lady who was largely pregnant. It took every ounce of my being to hold it together while she rang me up. Pitiful me, with my pregnancy tests, that I only dreamed of seeing a positive on, my 16 & pregnant cashier, and the 2 screaming-in-harmony newborns. I'd imagine when she last purchased a test she was ashamed and scared and here I was willing to give my right arm for that positive she probably cried about.


Well, if all the previous blows were not sign enough to give it up... that moment... was. I knew I was not pregnant. I have done this enough times to know, and I knew it was over. I took those stupid tests anyway until it really was over. 


That Monday (2 weeks ago today, actually) was the first time I breathed a sigh of relief. I have not just lived to live for me and my family for 18 months. That is greater than half the amount of time my child has been alive. Which is one of the reasons I hung it all up. It is time for me to fully, 100% enjoy the child that I DO have without wishing and hoping for something I don't have. And so, we started making plans. I had one week of freedom and then suffered another blow.


We were so excited about how we won't be having all those ridiculous medical bills that fertility problems bring. We were making plans and I guess we are just so naive is all. I had a couple lymph nodes in my neck pop up. I thought nothing of it, then remembered it had popped up about a year ago and I never had it checked out. Well, google a swollen lymph node in the neck and you'll see just why I made an appointment. It didn't feel the way bad ones are described. No, it felt like a good one. It was just swollen. So, I go to the doctor. And he is immediately shocked by the size and location. He tells me that because of my age and being that I am a young mother (cue the flood of tears, thanks doc) that he is sending me to see an ENT to be evaluated for cancer. He may want to biopsy it, whatever. Greaaaaaat. So, here we go AGAIN. I can not catch a break, is how I feel. Emotionally, I feel beaten, if I can be honest. And I can, because it's my blog. ;-) The doc started me on antibiotics and said his office would get with me to get the appointment scheduled. Awesome. So I go home thinking I have cancer and start in with all the terrible thoughts that so easily invade your mind especially when you're already knee deep up to your eyeballs in spiritual warfare. I waited for 2 days for them to call me and they never did. I thought, awesome, it must not be that bad. Had a couple docs at work tell me what they thought just by examination, no one was alarmed, this is good. So, I decided I'd at least call and see what the deal was. Called and they're like "Oh, goodness! We misplaced your file and we need you to see Dr. So-and-So at 7:45am on Monday morning". I reply, "Wow, that's awfully soon, I haven't even completed antibiotics yet". To which she replies, "Oh, yes, Dr. S-a-S wants to see you ASAP, if there was an appointment today, he would have penciled you in, but the office is closed today."


AWESOME. This is sounding greater by the SECOND.


I went to my appointment this morning with a lot more peace than I expected and I am fully and 100% convinced it is due to the handful of people that were even aware this was going on praying for me. The reason he wanted me to be seen today (and bc he was closed on Friday) is because he was on call all weekend for like 5 hospitals and he uses the Monday after call-weekend for all the random stuff from over the weekend. He does a thorough examination from head to... neck (ha, an ENT, get it?) and when he is finished he says, "You are fine."


He's right. I'm fine. I'm going to BE fine. No matter what. No matter what comes my way, it's always going to be fine. Might not care much for the outcome, but in the grand scheme, I'll always be fine because this is not our home. I had my first parental epiphany last night. You know the one where you can vividly see yourself saying something that you picture God might be up there saying to you, as His child?


We got home late last night. When Jake and I got inside he noticed a bag of chocolate donuts sitting on the counter. He demanded one. When I said no (since it was 10pm and past bedtime) he begged and pleaded and had an all out fit. I saw myself in him. I watched him thrash on the ground, screaming and crying in frustration. I saw me. (I couldn't begin to tell you the countless hours I laid in my bed, or on the floor, crying out to God in agony and sheer frustration) I reached down and scooped my little boy up in my mommy arms and held him tight until he started to calm down. I saw an image of God holding on to me. When he calmed down, I kissed his little cheek and told him I was sorry that he couldn't have a donut right now, but that they would be there in the morning and we could have them then. That's when I heard it. "Not right now". Then he wiped my kiss away in frustration. I understood him. It's hard to accept love when all you want is that chocolate donut and your mommy just told you, you can't have it. Yep, I totally get that. 

I would love to give him everything he wants whenever he requests it, but then he wouldn't turn out to be a well-rounded individual. There are so many lessons to be learned as a parent. I pray I'm shown a lot more, because it was probably the coolest lesson I have learned, to date. I'll wait for my chocolate donut. I'll enjoy the other treats along the way and if I never get my chocolate donut, I'll still be fine and I'll still be very, very happy with my little lover of chocolate.

May the God of Hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him so that you may overflow with hope. Romans 15:13.


Happy Monday, friends.

27 months: Potty Training, Silliness, and a Big Heart.

I hadn't planned on doing much more of those "monthly birthday" posts, but this past month has been a month of lots of changes for little man, so I thought I'd post a thing or two. :)

At 27 months, Jake...

You are STILL right around 29 (allllllmost 30) pounds, which means you have gained a whopping 1 pound in almost a year! Which completely blows me away, considering what a little food lover you started out being!
You are much pickier with food, than the baby-you was.
You have dropped down just a tad into the 50-75% for weight.
You are 38" tall. You are TALL. That is in the greater than 97%... which when looking at the actual chart, is not even on scale for your age.
So, you are starting to shape out into a tall and skinny little Pickle.
The biggest achievement this month was POTTY-TRAINING.
You are a ROCK-STAR at the pottying situation.
It's been almost a month. You very rarely have accidents.
You can go many hours without a potty break.
Mommy has to admit... little boy underwear are probably the cutest things EVER!
Since you have no diaper taking up space in your pants, you have stayed the same size as last summer in your shorts/pants... except length in the pants, so that is a little bit tricky.
You wear 24 months/2T in shorts so you can still wear all your shorts from last summer!
You wear size 7.5 in shoes.
You wear some 2T, mostly 3T in shirts.
Your legs have gone through some kind of growth spurt recently, so your pants have gotten really short.
You are working on your second year molars, which are taking FOREVER to come in and they really bother you. You have your fingers in the back of your mouth all the time. :(
Your third Easter was so much fun. You love to hunt those eggs!
We have had a very warm spring, so we have spent a LOT of time outside. Lots of zoo dates, play dates, "helping" daddy in the yard, and backyard playing.
You, my son, have a strange love for bugs and things of the like. Mommy is absolutely terrified of all critters that crawl or fly and you already know this.
You like to laugh at Mommy's squeals about the bugs.
We haven't been watching too much TV recently, but you do love Team Umizoomi these days.
You know your shapes and colors really well. I can say, "hand me the purple round thing over there" and you can find it.
You can recite your ABC's.
You can recognize your numbers and some of your letters by sight.
You still leave out "3" when counting to 10. I think it's cute.
You can count backwards from 8 to 0, and you don't leave 3 out then... ?
When you get past ten you say, "ewebben, telve, tur-teen, ewebben-teen, telve-teen".
When asked how old you are, you very rarely say how old you really are, and say something more like 6, because you know it's silly.
You ARE silly.
You are bossy. :)
You are goofy.
You are absolutely PRECIOUS.
You have a huge heart and HATE to see people sad-I hope that never changes.
When Mommy cries (bc mommies sometimes do) you will crawl up in my lap and wipe my tears and tell me "it's ok, mommy". Bless your tiny heart for having compassion on a grown up. Makes me want to cry right now just thinking about it!
You can say "grace" at dinner. You fold your hands (and you make sure everyone else does, too) and say the "God is great..." prayer. Talk about precious! :)
You like to be naked. Oh, my goodness... I have turned around to find a naked boy countless times this past month!
You are doing great in your swim lessons.
You are, quite possibly, the funniest kid I know. You say some of the funniest things sometimes. We were driving home from swim lessons one night, and you had an owie that you couldn't locate (?) and you said, "Where'd my owie go?? Ughhh... that drives me NUTS!!" So, so silly!
You have certainly reached the part of terrible two's where you tell people "no" constantly. You say "mine" way too often. I guess as an only child, when everything truly IS yours, it's hard to get used to. You like to make sure people know when it's "Jakey's turn!!" and it's usually always your turn. Ha!
You are OBSESSED with cars, trucks, anything that has wheels or a motor!
I'd be willing to wager a bet that at least 10 hours of my day, I can hear some kind of motor noise coming from you. It is so darn cute.
You still love your blankie and your Bear, which you often refer to as "blanky-bear" these days. They are a team of lovies, I guess.

My most favorite thing you started doing in the past couple months is singing our bedtime song. We leave out the first verse (just because when I started singing it to him, I couldn't remember it :) ) and you know every word to the rest of the song! I catch you singing it sometimes. I played it in the car recently, it was the first time you'd heard it other than Mommy singing (LOL poor child) and you stopped what you were doing and sang along at the top of your lungs. So cute.

Here's our song minus the first verse...

Godspeed by Dixie Chicks

The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, will find the mouse
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "Amen," wherever we are
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Godspeed
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

Jake and his Pop at the zoo. My very own monkey.

He is so pretty.

Easter!

caught this at a play date at Paisley's house. 

swim lessons!

Jake and Kale playing at a nature park.

That, is one COOL kid. ;-)

Godspeed, little man. Sweet dreams, little man.

Happy Thursday, friends!

Today's Date.

Today marks the day that I should be having a baby, my due date. April 5th, 2012. I have been dreading this day for the past month. I purposefully made sure I scheduled something on this day. The days have been hurling towards this day. I have been thinking lately about how I should be right now. I should be finishing up the nursery because you're never fully prepared for the second like you are the first. I should be huge and waddling. My face should have that puffy last 2 weeks looks right now. I should be having a baby today. Jake should be getting a sibling.

I am so certain that God KNEW I needed to completely and totally be drowning in something else to keep my mind off of it. And so, today, we have potty-trained per Jake's decision to start potty-ing yesterday. It's nearly all I've thought about all day, those two things. I will confess that I did manage a 2 hour nap, and the child is still napping, and dinner is done in the crock pot, and the husband is home from work early to begin his long weekend. So there are PLENTY of positives right here in front of me. My glass is half full. :)

A friend of mine recently wrote on her blog about this very same subject. It touched me really deeply and was posted at the most perfect of times. Exactly one month before and exactly when I had begun to think about the coming date. I will not lie and say I cried no tears of sadness today as the date was on my mind any time I had a moment to think about non-potty related things. But this day was a lot better than I had imagine several weeks ago. Thank you, Monica, for the light you shed on choosing JOY with this very topic. :) Here is her post. Monica's blog post She said it SO well in that second paragraph, and mostly when she said she cried tears of happiness and sorrow at the same time. I can not tell you how many times I have done that. It is a really bittersweet thing when life goes on around you and everybody else gets so easily what you so desperately want.

Jake is doing great with potty stuff. I go to work tomorrow and it's all on Daddy to keep it up! He'll do great. Seriously, this kid is amazing me! Oh! I almost forgot!! He got a big-boy hair cut today! He got his very first hair cut in June or July of last year and ever since has only gotten trims. But that hair was getting a little bit unruly when it got sweaty from playing outside, or whatever. And I can't have my boy looking less than cute!! He looks SO handsome with his big-boy hair. And he was SO funny during the cut. He just sat there and watched in the mirror as my friend, Kristie, did her thing. He didn't even make a stink about the clippers when they came out! I told him it tickled, and he just kept talking about how it tickled. He did great. Afterward, we went to Krispy Kreme for momma's sake and for Jake being so good. :) He got a sprinkles donut. And he got one to take home for when he did the first #2 (sorry lol), which he HAS done, and he wanted to wait till after his nap for his big special donut.

Wooo!

He's looking in the big mirror in front of him.

Just watching himself get his haircut.

SO handsome!

Jakey's special donut for being a big boy during his hair cut.

Totally excited about his BIG accomplishment.

Still looks the same on the top, but it's big boy in the back. Mixed feelings here! But it's super cute, of course.

Jake is now up from his nap and sitting with me asking me to put the "peter" (computer) down, so I must go. Happy Thursday!