Remembering That Day.

Continuing on...

So, we left for our camping trip on a Wednesday evening. I had felt and seen Mollie moving in my belly. I had an anterior placenta, meaning my placenta was on the front side of my uterus. The part you'd touch if you touched my belly. That makes it difficult for women to feel the early, lighter movements, when the placenta attaches in the front like that. So I was pretty excited to be able to start feeling more movement.

Thursday, we got to the camp site. Nothing really triggers my memory about this day. I do know we listened to her heartbeat on the little fetal doppler I had. Her little heart was beating just fine. Always gave me relief to hear it.

On Friday... oh, that Friday. My last day with Mollie. I didn't know why, and didn't really realize it at the time, but I had quite a sense of impending doom. I checked on her 3 times that day with the doppler. At this point in my pregnancy, I would go days, even a week sometimes, without listening to her heartbeat. I remember that day, though, mentioning several times how I didn't remember the last time I had felt her move other than Wednesday evening. I blamed it on the placenta placement and tried to put those looming feelings aside and enjoy our time with our friends. The day was fine. I drank like 4 Dr. Peppers that day. Another thing I really beat myself up about. It was typical for me to drink 1 DP every couple of days. 1 a day, at most. I figured I was safe, having made it to nearly halfway in the pregnancy. So I splurged on our little trip and really indulged that day. We stayed up late with friends, playing UNO. I remember mentioning to a friend that I was kind of worried because I hadn't felt Mollie move one single time that day.

When we got back to the trailer, I remember telling Derick that I was kind of worried about the lack of feeling any movement at all. We quickly listened to Mollie's heartbeat at around midnight. I remember saying, "there she is!" and deciding that I was probably too busy that day, not really paying that much attention to fetal movement. When in reality, I worried about it pretty much all day. I really TRIED to be positive with this pregnancy. I really did. And I honestly feel like it came back to bite me in the butt.

The next morning (Saturday, March 19... also the worst day of my life), the kids woke up at 7, just like every morning. They came in rearing to go and excited about another day with friends. Usually I always felt Mollie while I was laying flat on my back, first thing in the morning. I felt nothing. At all. I got up and fixed the boys their breakfast. I think. I'm pretty sure. That's when everything from then... until right now starts to blur into a mess of life that I really can hardly recognize at times.

I told Derick I wanted time alone to listen to Mollie. He closed the door and tried to keep the boys quiet. I searched for what seemed like 2 hours,but really was only half an hour. It was not at all unusual for it to take a couple minutes to find her heartbeat, since the placenta took up most of the front side of my belly. I literally searched for half an hour and heard nothing but silence. I sometimes wouldn't hear the heartbeat right away, but I could hear her movements on the doppler and that was reassuring enough until I could locate the heartbeat. This time... complete silence.

I remember rolling onto my belly and pressing to try and get her to move.

Nothing.

I tried again with the doppler. Even though, at this point, I was pretty much convinced it was over. Again, nothing.

I don't remember the exact details after that. I know I called the closest place I could find that would ultrasound me that day. It was actually in my hometown where my parents and sister live. I did not call my parents, because I didn't want to freak them out, if by some miraculous chance, this was all ok in the end.

I called my sister. I walked her through a very similar time about 4 years ago.

Derick and Cohen and I drove an hour to Fort Smith to the ultrasound place. I remember just knowing, on our drive there, that it was over. I remember telling Derick what she would look like when she was delivered. That she would be red and shiny and skinny but fully formed. I remember telling him that I would have to labor and deliver her just like a normal baby. Having been a labor nurse for 9 years, there wasn't much about the delivery process of a dead baby that I didn't know. I'd helped my fair share of women labor and deliver their own dead babies in my time in L&D.

We arrived at the ultrasound place. Turns out, my sister knew the sonographer that was there that day. She was already aware of the sensitivity and reason as to why I was there. I had my sister go in with me, and Derick stayed in the car. I cannot explain the feeling of fear I had in those few minutes. We sat and waited for probably 3 minutes. It felt like an hour. I wanted that freaking wand on my belly immediately. I wanted to know my baby was ok. I wanted to see her bouncing and moving around like nothing was wrong. I wanted to see and hear that heartbeat I couldn't find. I was still trying to convince myself that it was the placenta in the way. But I think deep down, I knew. I knew it wasn't going to be good.

I went right in and laid down. The girl put the wand on my belly. There was my sweet little Mollie. She had her hands folded up by her head. She looked just like a sleeping baby. And she was laying still as could be. There was no movement. None. The place in her chest that should be flickering away like crazy was an empty, still space. And the poor, sweet girl began explaining to me what I was seeing. I quickly stopped her and told her I was a labor and delivery nurse. I asked her to take the wand off my stomach and asked my sister to go get Derick.

One of the pictures of Mollie from the day we learned she was gone. Her hands up by her head, just like she was sleeping.

Derick came in and I remember the ultrasound girl gave my sister 3 printed images she had just captured of Mollie inside my belly. I remember Cohen freaking out in the lobby because we left him with my sister out there. I remember him coming in, seeing me upset (very upset) and coming over to me wanting to be held. He just wrapped his little arms around me and held on tight. It's like he knew that is exactly what I needed. I remember looking down at my tiny belly and thinking that this was as pregnant as I got. We only made it to 20 weeks. What did we do wrong? Was this my fault? I don't want to labor and deliver a dead baby. I don't want to explain to my poor, sweet boys that their sister won't be coming home with us. That she wasn't ever going to live with us. That she was in heaven. But mostly I remember thinking that this is going to be a nightmare.

I was right on that last part.

The Next Chapter of Pickled Blessings

So. It's been a while. I stopped blogging shortly after Cohen was born. In hindsight, writing through all the emotions I dealt with throughout all our miscarriages and trying to get pregnant with Cohen, blogging really helped me sift through some of that grief. I didn't even realize it until just recently. Really.

I find myself making epic posts on facebook. So, I figured why not turn to the blog again. It helped once before. May as well give it a go this time.

I will say though, this time... dealing with all the emotions and heartache and grief... it is MUCH more difficult than all 3 miscarriages and infertility issues combined. Exponentially. Hands down.

And I don't say that lightly. If a miscarriage, or infertility, is the only thing you've ever been through, then let me be the first to say it IS a nightmare and it DOES suck terribly. Until Mollie died, it absolutely was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. There is just something incredibly life changing, horribly wrong, but also horribly right, about holding your dead baby in your arms. Looking into the face of the baby you were so excited to carry. It's absolutely the hardest thing I've ever had to live through.

We had planned on trying for another baby early this year. Both boys, and 2 of my miscarriages, were Clomid pregnancies. It isn't typical for me to get pregnant without Clomid. We were not trying to get pregnant. In December, we were slated to go on a cruise with a group of friends and all our kids. I've always either been pregnant or seriously nursing a kid when we were cruising. So, I was really, really looking forward to a cruise where I could enjoy an adult beverage on occasion. Lo, and behold, 2 weeks before we were to leave, I realized I was two days late. A friend asked me if I was going to test. I laughed it off because of my unlikeliness of getting pregnant without Clomid. But then I was like, what if I really AM pregnant? I need to start the blood thinner ASAP. So I tested, but FULLY expected a negative result. But there it was... positive. I was actually surprise pregnant?!? I had been pregnant 5 times, at that point, and not a single one of them was a surprise. Each pregnancy was carefully planned. Always taking appropriate meds prior to conception, based on the information I had each time.

This time, since we weren't really trying, I was (irresponsibly, in my opinion) not taking any vitamins. I have two genetic mutations that are responsible for my hostile uterus. One of them basically makes it difficult for my body to process folic acid. I should be taking folate all the time, even when not pregnant. I was not when I became pregnant with Mollie. Trust me, I beat myself up over it big time. Obviously, no one can say with certainty that that is what killed my daughter. But guilt is a part of grief that always has to be worked through. And I am not any different from any other griever.  I asked my doctor, at one of my prenatal visits, if I should be taking a prenatal with folate. He said he didn't really think that had anything to do with my losses, and to just continue on with the blood thinner the way I was. So I didn't think anything else of it again. Until March 19th.

So, we found out we were pregnant at just around 4 weeks. Knowing I have to start blood thinners ASAP, I called my doctor. However, at that time, Derick had JUST started a new job and we were without insurance until February 1st. This was the very beginning of December... My doctor quickly assured me that I would be covered at the office until my insurance kicked in. But as for the blood thinner... dang those are expensive. I had to figure out a way to get those bad boys. Luckily, I was able to track some down that lasted me until February 1st.

I was certain that all these things were signs that this was a pregnancy that was going to last. I just knew that if God would allow my body to conceive a baby without any medical assistance...a surprise at that, provide medical care until insurance kicked in, and provide the expensive blood thinner... then there was no way that this baby wasn't meant to be. So, unlike my pregnancy with Cohen (where I did not at all allow myself to bond with him) I took to the idea of being pregnant and actually allowed myself to accept the pregnancy and get excited about it.

At around 6 weeks, I began spotting very minimally. I had a subchorionic hemorrhage, just like I had with Cohen. It quickly resolved, just like it did with Cohen.

The pregnancy progressed without a hitch. I was miserable, obviously, as is expected in early pregnancy. So this was a positive thing, even though I felt terrible! My regular appointments continued and my baby and I always checked out great.

At 15 weeks, we learned we were having a girl. We were SO excited. We had planned on this being our last pregnancy and I was so excited to get to experience having a girl. Jake was thrilled, as well, as he'd been asking for a sister for about a year. And I was really looking forward to seeing Derick be a daddy to a little girl, too.

We already knew what we'd name her. We'd had our girl name picked out since Jake was a fetus. Before we knew his gender, I have actual video of me calling him Mollie while looking at him on an ultrasound at work. So when we found out that this baby was a girl, I looked at Derick, while we were looking at her on ultrasound and said, "We finally got our Mollie, babe!" He was smiling and excited. We were both in disbelief at first. We quickly got used to the idea and I started letting myself buy girly things. I went a little overboard, as I'm sure most moms of boys do when they find out they're expecting a baby girl.

I went to an appointment at 18w2d. All was well. Mollie was still a girl. Bouncing around and perfect as could be. Doctor said he didn't need to see me for 4 weeks this time. My appointments had all been 2-3 weeks apart at that point. I did find out that I had an anterior placenta which made sense to me because I hadn't felt Mollie moving very much at all at that point in the pregnancy.

The following week was spring break. We had planned to go camping with friends at the end of spring break. I spent the week getting ready. On Wednesday evening, we headed to go camping. Right when Derick got home, before we left, I was laying on the bed and I actually SAW Mollie move. That's always one of those exciting moments. When you can start to see movement on the outside of your belly. I hollered for Derick to come in and feel. She didn't do it again.

Even though she lived a couple more days, that was one of the last times I felt Mollie move.

**this is getting long and out of control, so I'm gonna pause there and pick up later, so I guess that means "to be continued"**