A simple prayer

Lord, teach me to be patient - with life, with people,and with myself. I sometimes try to hurry things along too much, and I push for answers before the time is right. Teach me to trust Your sense of timing rather than my own and to surrender my will to Your greater and wiser plan. Help me let life unfold slowly, like the small rosebud whose petals unravel bit by bit, and remind me that in hurrying the bloom along, I destroy the bud and much of the beauty therein.

Instead, let me wait for all to unfold in its own time. Each moment and state of growth contains a loveliness. Teach me to slow down enough to appreciate life and all it holds. Amen.

A Little Bear In Our House

Just a little update.

I have found myself able more to sing God's praises today. I am a huge music therapy type person. Music can always help me release my feelings, etc... Well, starting Friday and several times on Saturday that dang song by Laura Story, "Blessings" came on. It literally made me mad to hear it. I didn't wanna hear that! Honestly, it's because shortly after I found out I was pregnant this time (I found out on my birthday, btw) I heard this song and thought to myself, "I sure hope I'm not singing this and meaning it soon". Well, the time has indeed come, so the song made me mad. Yesterday, I heard it... again. I was able to listen to it in its entirety. And was finally able to let it speak to my heart. Today, the song that got me was "Hold Me Together" by Royal Tailor.

Hello Mercy, 

I have been searching for you lately 

I've been wounded and from what I hear 

You have the remedy 

They told me You would be for me 

So now I need to know 

Is this a love that can save me 

Or say You will then don't 

Will You stay with me when nobody is around 

If this is real, then tell now 

Can you hold me together 

Can your love reach down this far 

Can you hold me together 

Cause without You holding my heart 

I'm falling apart 

Falling apart 

Saying so long, been lost, been gone 

Not sure what to pray 

It's not easy but I know You see me 

When I lose my way 

I keep on floating not knowing 

If there is more for me 

Don't want to sink beneath waves of negativity 

I'm going under, 

I'm afraid that I might drown 

If this is real, 

I need you now 

Can you hold me together 

Can your love reach down this far 

Can you hold me together 

'Cause without You holding my heart 

I'm falling apart, yeah 

Falling apart 

Oh, Lord 

I'm feeling stronger 

With you by my side 

And I realize You are my hope 

I need to know 

Can you hold me together 

Can your love reach down this far 

Can you hold me together 

'Cause without You holding my heart 

I'm falling apart, 

Falling apart, yeah 

Hold me together Lord 

Without You, 

I'm falling apart 

Falling apart

Also, I need you guys to know that with all the messages (which has been an incredible amount) I've received, I have not been able to reply to them all very quickly. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for each of the messages. There's been unspeakable amounts of healing that have come from the stories, verses, prayers in all of your heartfelt words. I can FEEL the prayers. The biggest way I can feel prayers is that I am not slipping into the dumps like I know I could be right now. If you've read my blog much, you know I have battled depression and do not really want to go there any time soon again. So, THANK YOU... so, so much. And if I am not able to reply to you yet, know that I have gotten your message, it has been read... over and over actually, and is very appreciated. Very. Also, to the girls in my Sunday School that have so sweetly volunteered to do something to help me out this week... I know on the outside I seem fine, but just know that your daily gestures give me something little to look forward to, which is, I think, one of the reasons I'm able to keep my head above water at the moment. :)

Anyway, things are looking better. I don't think I'm as mad today.

In other news, Jake has been cutting his little canine teeth, and let me tell you... I am pretty sure each new round of teeth just gets worse and dang worse! Thankfully, teeth never keep him from sleeping. They may keep ME from sleeping when he cries out in his sleep. :( But he never wakes up. They just make him quite the bear to deal with during the day! We start out lovely in the morning. In such a great mood. But by evening time, when he's usually just a little bit fussy... wooo, the kid is a bear! You gotta keep him preoccupied constantly or it's an all out tantrum about the tiniest things! Thank goodness it's been relatively nicer outside than it has been! Outside is like a fix-all for the boy who loves to chase toads. :) He makes me laugh... a lot. I like it.

When not being entertained. Bear.

When being entertained...

Happy Tuesday, friends.

Give Me a Shade Tree

First of all, I want to say thank you for the outpouring of love and support I've gotten throughout the weekend from all my friends and family. You all are amazing.

What's on my mind today, is that I am extremely angry. And before you read on, know that I already know that I am treading on dangerous grounds by just having these feelings....

I have a lot of anger towards God at the moment because I just can't quite wrap my mind around why. And I know that's terrible to say, think, much less make extremely public. But I am wanting to know if you have any pointers on how to deal with your doubt, faith, anger, etc... in times of trial. I've never really been dealt this kind of a trial before. And I realize that there are far, far more difficult trials out there to face, or even facing me in my own future. I've faced things like jobs, friends, superficial stuff, but I've never really dealt with something like this. Something where God clearly knows the desires of my heart, yet continues to allow Satan to break it instead. I'm not looking for suggestions on how I should be dealing with it, that's the last thing I want. But I do want to know, if you have been in a sucky situation where you just thought, "Really, God? How could you keep allowing this crap to happen to one of your children?" what did you do to stay on top, spiritually? I don't consider myself like crazy on fire, at the moment, though I've been there in the past. I mean, is this His way of saying, "until you get back on the bandwagon, I'm not showing you my love?" And I know He never stopped loving me. I totally know that. But at this point, I'm just really pissed, actually, if I can say how I really feel. And I can, because it's my blog. :)

God is good. The Bible clearly says just that. But I'm not feelin' it right now. And it really makes me mad at Satan that I am feeling this way. I'm mad at Satan because he's winning more of this battle that I'd like. Like, it's almost like it's closer to a tie right now. Not saying I'm going to go Satan worshiping tomorrow, or anything. Ha! But I am saying that I am questioning God too much right now. I know I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't be angry with God. I know all this. But I still am. I'm really hacked off.

Bitterness. I know bitterness only harms the one that harbors the feelings, but that's me right now. And when I am bitter, I can not be used to my fullest potential by God; in fact, I can't really bring any glory to him at all. And that's my whole purpose as a Christian, so I know I really can't go down this route. That also makes me mad at Satan. So, maybe I am more mad at Satan. But it's like the saying goes, "The people that can hurt you the most, are the ones that you love the most". And I know that God was not sitting up in heaven striking lightening and saying, "That one over there, may she have two consecutive miscarriages in less than 7 months". I am fully aware that he does not make these unfortunate things happen. But really, he's God. He has the power to do whatever he wants. And if I (his child) beg Him for another child, is it too much to think He could make that happen?

I could certainly use your prayers right now. That I will overcome this bitterness and use this experience to grow. That my faith will not be shaken by this experience. Pray that God will deliver me from my grief like he did Jonah... pray for God to sprout up a shade tree for me like he did for Jonah. I know it is ok to initially be upset and even question God, I know this because even Jesus cried out, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?"
 
I am just having a really, really hard time praising Him in this storm.

I know I can get past this. I've been delivered from bondage before. But I'm not sure I've felt this hurt before. Besides, I know I have to snap out of it, because"...he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him" (Hebrews 11:6).

I have two choices: To decide that I am mad at God, or choose to trust Him anyway.

This is my sacrifice, Lord, now use it to your glory... and please... give me a shade tree.

Another Day, Another Dollar

That's the saying, right?



Well, I'm making up a new one...

Another cycle, another miscarriage.

That's right. What have I been up to lately? Well, almost 2 weeks ago Derick and I found out we were expecting... again! I knew there was no possible way God would let me go through what we'd already been through. So, I let myself be excited. I told the important people in my life, and had them begin praying for the little life God had created within me. I had some blood work done that week that showed that things didn't look great. So, I let my mind go there. To that place of doubt and scientific reasoning. I googled it all. The chances of having another baby after 2 miscarriages. The chances of my blood work turning out ok and not ok. I had more blood work done, and it came back great. Surprisingly. So, I let my mind go back to the good place. I lived almost a whole week in the good place. My symptoms stayed around. I thought it was gonna be good.

Wrong.

I had my ultrasound today. There was nothing in my uterus. And my blood work is bad again.

So, now I have to wait. Wait for it pass on its own, or take medicine to make it pass. Wait for the cramping, for the clotting, for the fun to begin... again.

I am not, at all, in a good place right now. I am very mad. Very frustrated. So many questions that I have no clue the answers to right now.

So, for the record. Derick and I have to decided that it will be years before we venture down this road again. If anybody ever needed to know... 2 miscarriages in one year (6 1/2 months, to be exact) is a whole lot for one family to endure. I wouldn't wish it on my very worst enemy.

And to those of you that can magically conceive on your own and grow happy and healthy babies without having ever endured the heartache that miscarriage involves... count yourselves phenomenally blessed beyond measure. Please.

Also, if you know someone that might possibly be going through their second miscarriage in 6 1/2 months (or even their first one, because none of them are easy), may I please advise you of the following:
Do not say, "At least you can get pregnant". You're right. But had I never gotten that way, I would not be going through the heartache that I am currently. I am suffering a LOSS, not a LACK OF.
Do not say, "At least you have Jake at home". You're right again. And I do not, for one second, take that baby for granted. But, I want Jake to have a sibling.
Do not say, "It will happen in God's timing". It will happen in God's timing, but right now... I am hurting and I wanted this.

Some things are better left unsaid. There are a lot of things that are that way in this case. In fact, most these things will likely make the affected person want to punch you in the face, no matter your good intentions.

A hug, an offering of prayer, an understanding statement... "You must be so upset, angry, frustrated, etc". An offering to take care of the child at home for a few hours, an offering to bring a meal. These are things that are good.

But mostly, there is nothing that can be said.

18 months

I can not believe that my little boy is a year and a half old today!! It is so unbelievable to me!

Jake Ryan, at 18 months...

You weigh 28 lbs (89%)

You are 34.5 inches tall (greater than 97%)

You say so many things-I can't even catalog them all anymore!

You call your Pop "Bop", and your Nena "Neen" or Neen-Neen".

You call Quincy "Bency".

You are wearing mostly sizes 24 months/ 2T.

You wear size 5/5.5 in shoes

You have all 4 of your one year molars making your grand-teeth-total 12.

You have just this week started working on your canines.

You love to play outside, but this summer it has been WAY too hot to play anywhere but in water.

You have grown to absolutely love water and playing in the pool. You even jump off the side into our arms! You're a little bit crazy!!

You LOVE to jump off of things... the couch, the side of a pool, anything where you can land.

You still love your blankie and Mr. Bear. 

You have also grown QUITE the love for Elmo, whom you refer to as "Melmo".

You still LOVE Yo Gabba Gabba. You sing the songs all the time.

Your favorite song is "Hold Still"... it's a Yo Gabba original.

If you want to watch Yo Gabba, you find the remote and bring to us and start singing "Hold Still".

You love to play in the play room, or just follow around after mommy making messes where you go. :)

You can walk upstairs (not climb up them like you used to...walk up them). You are SO big!!

You really like to be read to. Often times, you will bring us a book to read to you.

You play a game with yourself that we call, "Oh no". You say "oh, no!! oh, no!! awwwwww" and throw yourself to floor. This came to play while watching Wipeout and hearing your Daddy say this while we watched it.

You used to sweetly talk after you woke up from a nap or in the morning. Now, you've taken to yelling our names very loudly until we come and get you. It's cute.

You still have not climbed out of the crib... for which I am VERY thankful!!

You are such a BOY! You love to play rough!!

You are still the friendliest little kid ever. Everywhere we go, you insist on making friends with everyone.

You've gotten your first and second hair cuts! A handsome man, I must say!! We are trying to grow it out a little bit without looking silly in the meantime.

Jake with his Pop in Branson.

Your daddy and I feel so blessed to be your parents. You are such a smart, strong-willed, (very) energetic, happy, fun and lovable little boy. We love you a million times a million, and that's too many to count!!!

This video completely encompasses the amount of crazy this kid contains!!!

Happy Saturday, friends!