Happy and Whole

Major healing has happened in my heart this summer. And all the glory goes right up to God for it. Just like cute, little Gabby Douglas said, "the glory goes up to Him, and the blessings fall down on me."

I finally feel like I have blessings falling down on me! (It has been a LONG time coming)

I am feeling beyond BLESSED lately. It makes me smile just to see myself type that... for real. I am beaming with excitement that I am finally feeling this way! It has become increasingly apparent to me that I have been able to leave behind my feelings of discontentment, anger, fear, anxiety, dread, jealousy, etc (lots of bad feelings) in regards to my past 2 years. We all know what that entails, I won't even go into the deets of all that, yet again.

I know I posted about all we've been able to do this summer, and how I have enjoyed Jakey, motherhood, family, and just life in general this summer. It has to do with a couple things. First and foremost, I've been able to just sit back, chill out, and ENJOY LIFE--because I finally gave it all up to the One who had it all to begin with! Second, I have realized that I AM right where God wants me. (I am in no way knocking non only child-ness with what I'm about to say, it's just how I know I'm right where God wants me) However... it has become VERY increasingly apparent to me that most the things we have been able to do this summer, I could never have done, had MY plan (not God's) worked out the way I had hoped for it to. God really DOES know way better than me. Not that I will ever just forget about what we've gone through... no, it's all still there. But I'm not dwelling on it and living only for it (big diff). Instead, now all that is just a part of our past. We are living for the here and now. We get to go... and do... and we have a blast. We can go to the pool whenever we want. We can go to the bounce-around whenever we want. We can have lunch dates with just he and I, or us and a couple friends. Whatever we want... there's only the one kid whose schedule I have to work around, there's just the one kid that has needs, one I have to pay for, buy for, there's just the one kid that I have to keep up with, or entertain, or teach, and mostly... I've been given this one precious kiddo to give all of my heart's mommy-love to. It has been an awesome time of just Jake-ness. And I'll say it, selfishly... I am not even sure anymore when I want to make Jake a sibling. That's saying a lot since I've wanted a second kid from the time Jake was 10 months old! I seriously can't even believe I feel the way I do about it now. It's been so long since I have had to prevent pregnancy, that I almost laugh about my complete opposite, current feelings on the subject. I am just having so much fun right now with "just Jake". Like I said, I don't mean to knock anyone else's situations. I'm just finally to a point where I'm not burning with envy when I see a mom with her 2 year old and her baby. Nope... much the opposite.  I'm not sure how I can express how great it finally feels to be content with me, us, everything. Now I just smile and kiss my little boy on the head when I see that same situation that made me burn with envy not even 4 months ago. :) It is just more reassurance that I am healing--and THAT is what makes me smile.

Like I said, I'm totally not knocking having more than one kid! I'd still love for that to be us... someday. Just not quite yet. And that's what I'm so happy about. Just being content with the here and now. I actually had some say to me recently that the "worst case scenario" in regards to child/age-spacing (which a whole other topic that makes me laugh... since I had it all "planned" out, y'know) would be to "only have one kid". I almost couldn't pick my jaw up off the ground when that was said, seeing that there is still a possibility that Jake could be an only-child forever and I do not consider that a "worst-case scenario" of any sort! I'm sure glad God gives us different desires, because I am just so thankful for the one (happy and healthy) kiddo that I DO have. And if God never desires for us to have another little Pickle... then... Jake is all we need, and that certainly is NOT a worst case scenario. I think people never think about what they're saying when they say it. HA. Thankfully, we are all different, and no one's needs are exactly the same. I don't think it would suck at all to have more than one kid right now! BUT I am so thankful for the time I am getting to spend with just me and my little boy. I'm thankful and content with the here and now. Finally.

God knew what He was doing when He kept Jake an only child for a while longer than I thought I wanted. HE knew what we all needed. Granted, yes, it came at a price. But I promise you, they are life lessons that I would not trade for the world. Every loss had a purpose. Each one making me who I am today, and the family that we are right now. I don't know, I just wanted to document this so I would be able to remember this time in my life...

When I felt whole again...

And it feels sooooo good.

It's another happy day.

Happy Wednesday, friends!