Summer!

SUMMER!!!!

This is where we spend a large part of our days. :)

This summer has been SO much fun! I can hardly handle how much fun that sweet, little boy makes summertime. I haven't even really cared for summer since I was a little kid! We spend a LOT of our free in the pool. You would not have any idea looking at me that we spend so much time in direct sunlight, as the only time I actually GET a tan is when I get burnt to a crisp. And since melanoma runs it's nasty little head really deep within my family's veins... I am a sunscreen and hat wearing QUEEN!!!  (Side note here--SPF and shade are your outside-time friend!!) Jake, on the other hand, can wear as much sunscreen as I can apply and STILL get a tan. Not fair, but thanks to a little thing I call fake-bake, AKA VersaSpa, I can appear tan. ;-) Also, if you're thinking about making the plunge into summertime color so you don't blind people, as was my thoughts... let me tell you that I get a lot of comments on how natural it looks. Well, actually, people just assume I have gotten sun... I make sure they know it's not real. ;-) I can not believe I haven't posted in OVER a month! Seriously... OVER a month. Since it's been so long, this actually ended up being a long post. Oops!

I started this post wanting to talk about how I can finally, finally, fiiiiiinallyyyyyyyy say that I am on the downward slope to healing from my horrific past 2 years. And I am SO, SOOOO excited about it. I can see pregnant people now without thinking terrible thoughts, I can even see the kids that are around the age mine would be, without thinking every single time-"that's what my kid would be doing right now if everything had worked out".

Let me tell you how I finally saw the Light. And I really mean capital 'L' because it would never happen without the grace and mercy of our forgiving GOD.

I am overwhelmingly aware that I have been at the mercy of Satan throughout a lot of my recent past, and only due to my own stubbornness amongst many other flaws. I am totally aware. I was grieving, sure. Tons of different things. Ideas, emotions, dreams, babies, blah, blah... But I would think and say things that were completely not EVEN true. Like I basically blamed all of it on GOD because He DOES have the power to stop it. And I'm not going to say that Satan caused my miscarriages. GOD knew it was going to happen, it was in His will. It was however, a perfect time for Satan weave his webs of lies and deceit. And I admit, I took that bait more often than I should've. I'm not saying I went out on some crazy binges or something. HA! All I'm saying is that my life, my attitude, my words... it was evident that I had let Satan creep in.

ANYWAY... enough of that. I want to spill on how, or what, helped me finally turn back to the arms of my loving Savior. Because, as He always is... He was waiting for me with open arms.

You guys know of the Duggars, yes? The family in Tontitown, AR with 19 kids? Show on tv, 19 Kids and Counting... Them. Anyway, if you watch it for 5 minutes you will notice that they are an impeccable family. The couple, Jim Bob and Michelle have written some books. I was reading their book, "A Love That Multiplies". I read it based on recommendations for parenting advice. :) (A completely different topic). They have a LOT of life experiences. One might think their miscarriage is what helped me heal. Nope. Then maybe the early delivery and many trying months of her care and juggling a large family helped me. Not it either. They did have quite a few deaths of parents and other mishaps in their recent past. Nope, not it. It was a simple story from several years back when Jim Bob had run for Arkansas state representative and then for the US Senate. You can read about this on page 82, "Stepping Out In Faith". He prefaced the story with how time after time they would see God's hand of provision over them when "bad" things would happen and they would always turn out for the good. He said after a while, they stopped asking God, "why?" He told how, several years ago, (and I remember part of one of his political campaigns... living so close to AR we saw all the politics of the area and I remember thinking they had a LOT of kids... which back then was only a fraction of what they now have!) Annnnyway, back to the story. So he felt God telling him to run for state rep. He did. He won. He served two, two-year terms and then felt God telling him to run for US Senate. He says how he was running against the incumbent and had only himself, basically, as party support. They put in over $100,000 of their OWN money (and you have to know that they live completely debt free) into the US Senate campaign; while his opponent had like $2 million in campaign monies. For real, ya'll? So, election day comes around, they view it as a great opportunity to take the (they homeschool, and just read the books... they are awesome at it) kids to show them how they vote. So, they took all like 13 kids or something and showed them the ropes, etc. He says it was a hectic day, they were barely aware of the AP photographer that snapped their picture that day.

He lost the election. He says, they didn't ask God why, they knew there was a plan and he says they prayed, "God, we're ready for our next assignment!" Little did they know... the next day, that photo was in The New York Times. People, we are talking about... The New York Times. Someone from Parents magazine saw that picture in that paper and set up an interview with the Duggar family. From there, the CEO of Discovery Health saw THAT interview. DHC contacted them to see about a documentary!  After a couple documentaries TLC picked them up as a regular show. Now seriously, all because he ran and lost not only an election, but $110,000 of their OWN money.

I don't know if it's just money that talks to me, or what (I really hope that isn't the case!) But after I read that, I got to thinking about my OWN recent past. HELLO?! WHY could I not see the things in my past that I thought were just horrific, that ended up being incredible blessings?!! Let me remind you about it here. If you don't have the time (bc it's long, as always) to read about that, let me brief you. Derick got a job in Texas just after he graduated. Jake was 4 months old. I quit my job as a full-time RN. D began going away to TX to work, and coming home on the weekends. I stayed behind preparing our to sell. We had TONS of lookers... And no buyers. I became discouraged and distraught at the fact that our little boy was growing up away from his daddy. I packed on my own, I sold most our furniture on my own. It was not fun. (all the while I was not trusting God... I was panicking. Why don't we learn?!) In July, I believe, we got an offer and we accepted. It was a VA loan. If you don't know, they are pain in the REAR to deal with. We didn't end up closing until OCTOBER. For real. In the meantime, D was about to lose his job at Halliburton bc they wanted him to be studying constantly and D spent all that time driving back and forth to see his wife and baby. I thought I was going to lose my mind. I nearly did. By this time, J and I were living with my parents.

Hindsight... thankfully, our house didn't sell or close quickly because we had a contingency on a house in TX. We would be stuck with that house in TX and no jobs. D and I remembered a couple leads back here in OK and he followed those leads and ended up at his current job. Where we're supposed to be. We're all safe and sound, in our own house, with good, solid jobs. Phew! Lesson learned, trust God. Right... I very obviously do not learn lessons very well!

In both my situations... if I would just TRUST from the very beginning, I would realize that everything really IS in God's control, and His plan IS perfect. I still don't know why this happened/is happening to us. I have zero idea. But I know one thing... it is for a better purpose. I can see some purpose occasionally as I am able to minister (sometimes in ways I have no idea I am ministering in) to people that have been affected by loss, the heartache and grief that goes along with it.

Anyway, all that to say... I am SO excited that I am FINALLY healing!! God used the strangest of random stories in a book by the Duggars, of all things, to speak to my heart and soften it just enough to help me remember that He always is with me, even when I don't acknowledge or remember it.

Praise God for His everlasting love and mercy.

This picture is completely random, but just really adorable. They were changing the oil in the truck. So cute!!

It is a happy Monday, friends.