Derick and I have been purposely trying to conceive a second child since October 2010. We have had success, but those successes quickly turned into failures... three times. 19 months, it was. Somewhere in the range of a little over 560 days. I will be the first to say that I fully understand that in comparison to some people's journeys, 560 days is not much. But it's certainly not nothing.
Without disclosing complete full details, names, etc, I'm gonna delve into why I am so baffled and just emotionally wasted. But also overcoming a lot of grief at the same time.
When I found out I was pregnant this last time, I just knew there was no possible way that I would have 3 losses in a row. Who on earth does that happen to? I know Job had a lot more grief in his time of trial. And I'll be honest, in self pity, I have been known to refer to myself as the reproductive version of Job. Well, here's why. Sure 3 losses, pick your stuff up and move on, right? Then add to that 3 of the closest people in my life all pregnant at the same time. 2 of them actually have 2 of my 3 miscarriage's actual due dates. I am not joking. And 2 of them (while I was trying SO hard) were complete surprise pregnancies. And those same 2, we would have all three been pregnant together and delivered our children literally within days of one another, and OH how fun would that be?! Right, keep dreaming, Pickle. These girls know that I love them very dearly and am in no way blaming them for anything. They also have been EXTREMELY understanding of my extremely conflicting and confusing feelings throughout. So, not only all that, but one day I grouped together all pregnant women on my facebook and had 27 of them. I totally get that it's the time in my age-group's lives to reproduce but wow, 27 is a large number of impregnated women! All this and let's not forget my line of work! In my five and a half years as an L&D RN I do believe during the first 4 years I could have easily counted on my two hands the number of adoptions, and things of that nature, I had encountered. And I worked for one of, if not the, busiest L&D units in the metro area. Well, in the last 560 days, I have seen SO MANY adoptions, teen mothers, unfit parents, DHS involvement, etc than I had seen in all of my prior nursing career. I can not even begin to tell you what kind of emotional toll it takes on the soul to care for these poor mothers and their children. I am not saying that God has placed adopting on our hearts. I feel like that is a major decision and I feel like it's something God has to place on both parent's hearts. And at this time, it is not something we feel like God is leading us to do. In fact, we have had more reassurance and affirmation that things will be perfectly fine if Jake is our only child. So here is what sealed the deal. The weekend of yet another announcement that took all of 3 months to get pregnant, Derick and I decided that for our emotional well-being and for the benefit of our son, it was high time to take a break from the world of trying to conceive. I was at the very end of a cycle. If you have ever spent a large chunk of your life trying to get pregnant, you can agree with me that the 2 week wait is horrific. Well, I was nearing the end of my 2 week wait. Having the knowledge of my clotting disorders, I have to be testing daily in case it comes up positive, so that if it does, I can get on medicine ASAP. So, THE night we decided this was it, I walk into walmart to get a box of HPT's. And I did not dilly dally, I literally walked straight to the pharmacy, grabbed the tests, and walked to the register. I stood in line with not 1, but 2 screaming newborns. One of which had an older sibling sitting up front in the basket that appeared to be around Jake's age, sucking what appeared to be apple juice out of a bottle. Which register did I happen to pick? Oh, the one with a very, very young lady who was largely pregnant. It took every ounce of my being to hold it together while she rang me up. Pitiful me, with my pregnancy tests, that I only dreamed of seeing a positive on, my 16 & pregnant cashier, and the 2 screaming-in-harmony newborns. I'd imagine when she last purchased a test she was ashamed and scared and here I was willing to give my right arm for that positive she probably cried about.
Well, if all the previous blows were not sign enough to give it up... that moment... was. I knew I was not pregnant. I have done this enough times to know, and I knew it was over. I took those stupid tests anyway until it really was over.
That Monday (2 weeks ago today, actually) was the first time I breathed a sigh of relief. I have not just lived to live for me and my family for 18 months. That is greater than half the amount of time my child has been alive. Which is one of the reasons I hung it all up. It is time for me to fully, 100% enjoy the child that I DO have without wishing and hoping for something I don't have. And so, we started making plans. I had one week of freedom and then suffered another blow.
We were so excited about how we won't be having all those ridiculous medical bills that fertility problems bring. We were making plans and I guess we are just so naive is all. I had a couple lymph nodes in my neck pop up. I thought nothing of it, then remembered it had popped up about a year ago and I never had it checked out. Well, google a swollen lymph node in the neck and you'll see just why I made an appointment. It didn't feel the way bad ones are described. No, it felt like a good one. It was just swollen. So, I go to the doctor. And he is immediately shocked by the size and location. He tells me that because of my age and being that I am a young mother (cue the flood of tears, thanks doc) that he is sending me to see an ENT to be evaluated for cancer. He may want to biopsy it, whatever. Greaaaaaat. So, here we go AGAIN. I can not catch a break, is how I feel. Emotionally, I feel beaten, if I can be honest. And I can, because it's my blog. ;-) The doc started me on antibiotics and said his office would get with me to get the appointment scheduled. Awesome. So I go home thinking I have cancer and start in with all the terrible thoughts that so easily invade your mind especially when you're already
AWESOME. This is sounding greater by the SECOND.
I went to my appointment this morning with a lot more peace than I expected and I am fully and 100% convinced it is due to the handful of people that were even aware this was going on praying for me. The reason he wanted me to be seen today (and bc he was closed on Friday) is because he was on call all weekend for like 5 hospitals and he uses the Monday after call-weekend for all the random stuff from over the weekend. He does a thorough examination from head to... neck (ha, an ENT, get it?) and when he is finished he says, "You are fine."
He's right. I'm fine. I'm going to BE fine. No matter what. No matter what comes my way, it's always going to be fine. Might not care much for the outcome, but in the grand scheme, I'll always be fine because this is not our home. I had my first parental epiphany last night. You know the one where you can vividly see yourself saying something that you picture God might be up there saying to you, as His child?
We got home late last night. When Jake and I got inside he noticed a bag of chocolate donuts sitting on the counter. He demanded one. When I said no (since it was 10pm and past bedtime) he begged and pleaded and had an all out fit. I saw myself in him. I watched him thrash on the ground, screaming and crying in frustration. I saw me. (I couldn't begin to tell you the countless hours I laid in my bed, or on the floor, crying out to God in agony and sheer frustration) I reached down and scooped my little boy up in my mommy arms and held him tight until he started to calm down. I saw an image of God holding on to me. When he calmed down, I kissed his little cheek and told him I was sorry that he couldn't have a donut right now, but that they would be there in the morning and we could have them then. That's when I heard it. "Not right now". Then he wiped my kiss away in frustration. I understood him. It's hard to accept love when all you want is that chocolate donut and your mommy just told you, you can't have it. Yep, I totally get that.
I would love to give him everything he wants whenever he requests it, but then he wouldn't turn out to be a well-rounded individual. There are so many lessons to be learned as a parent. I pray I'm shown a lot more, because it was probably the coolest lesson I have learned, to date. I'll wait for my chocolate donut. I'll enjoy the other treats along the way and if I never get my chocolate donut, I'll still be fine and I'll still be very, very happy with my little lover of chocolate.
May the God of Hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him so that you may overflow with hope. Romans 15:13.
Happy Monday, friends.
