Absent

My friends, my readers, I have wanted to tell you this story for weeks now!!! One would think, after the year we have been through, with jobs, houses, depression, etc., that we/I would get a break somewhere. Well, we did! So we thought, anyhow.

If you kept up with, or started reading from the beginning of our story, you would know that it was not an easy task to get pregnant with Jake. I had to take medicine because we could not conceive on our own, due to my ovary issues. I have heard stories over and over of how having a baby could fix infertility problems. Derick and I had decided that we really wanted to have at least our first two kids fairly close together. So, we started trying to get pregnant in around October/November. We were pretty diligent in tracking things and it just wasn't happening. In December I was like, you know, it's not happening and I'm just tired of peeing on the ovulation sticks and tracking things. So, we stopped "trying". I didn't track anything that month. Well, mid-January I still hadn't gotten my "monthly". I was at my best friend's house and we were talking about how my cycle was going on like 38 days. I just blew it off as my weird cycles coming back. I was actually going to call the office the next Monday, and get things going to start Clomid again. Well, I knew I needed to take a pregnancy test before I went in to talk about Clomid. I'd sure look like an idiot if I happened to be pregnant. Tana had a test at her house so I took it. I was not at all expecting to see anything good, so I really wasn't looking forward to looking at it. Tana got up to look at it, so I jumped up to look too. We saw it at the same time and it said very clearly... PREGNANT. I COULD NOT believe my eyes!! My body can make babies on its own!!!! I was actually right around 5 weeks 3 days, when I found out. A huge change from the 3 weeks 5 days with Jake. I was excited because I wasn't going to have to wait as long to go to the doctor, either!

I made my appointment for the day of 7 weeks. In the mean time, I had ZERO pregnancy symptoms other than peeing a lot more than usual. No sore boobs, no nausea, nothing. I googled and googled because I was certain it meant something bad. There were mixed reviews, so I remained optimistic. I also asked Dr. Optimistic if it meant anything and he was quick to say that pregnancy doesn't have to be a miserable thing.

I went in at 7 weeks, terrified of not seeing a heart beat on the sonogram. Same thing as always... naked from the waste down, feet in stirrups, bottom to the end of the table, ultrasound time. On the screen was a tiny little sac. There was no baby, there was no heart beat. Just what I feared. It was measuring what a 5 week pregnancy would measure. This was not great news according the doctor. I was sent home to come back in a week to see how things looked.

The week that followed, I had basically prepared myself for a miscarriage. I was no longer pregnant, in my mind. I hated to feel that way, should the pregnancy continue. But I felt like, for my emotional status, I needed to detach myself from this pregnancy and let go.

I started bleeding on Monday evening. My appointment was Wednesday. My sweet friend, Kristi, went with me to keep an eye on Jake, and quite frankly, to keep me company because I was prepared for bad news--a confirmed miscarriage. Got in the office, bottoms off, feet up in stirrups, bottom to the end of the table, ultrasound time. What was there, you ask? A 6 week embryo... with a heart beat! But I was still bleeding. So, miscarriage was still a likely possibility. It is referred to as a threatened miscarriage. I was sent home again, to come back in another week. I thought to myself that this was going to get really old if I had to continue to come back week after week. Dr. Optimistic said he thought things were looking better and that a heart beat was a really positive thing. I left not knowing how to feel. I continued to bleed, not bad, but still bleeding, nonetheless.

The next morning I had bible study. I went and everything was relatively ok. Bleeding was light, but then about 10am I started cramping pretty good. By the time I got home at noon, it was pretty bad. Like it felt like a constant contraction. Not the braxton hicks kind... like the kind after your water breaks. But constant. It didn't let up. I went to bathroom shortly after we got home and passed a clot and started bleeding pretty good. I called my friend, Kristi, who was very quick to come and help take care of Jake while I... bled and cramped.

Dr. Optimistic had told me that if my bleeding got worse, or if I wanted to, to come in on Friday instead of waiting a week. So, I made my appointment for Friday morning. I passed 2 more clots, the last one being last night. My appointment was today. This morning and my mom went with me. I went in expecting nothing. I had no idea what to expect after thinking I was miscarrying, then seeing and hearing a heart beat, then bleeding and cramping for 2 days. So, as always... bottoms off, feet in stirrups, bottom to the end of the table, ultrasound. What was there, you ask? An empty uterus with a thicker than normal lining. I had passed all products of conception in the time between Tuesday and Friday.

I am definitely at peace with the whole thing by now. I was very upset upon the initial examination at 7 weeks. I worked it out, and am at peace. There was a reason that little baby did not make it.

One good thing out of the whole event... I can make babies!!!!

So, I'll definitely take any and all prayers still, even though the whole thing is over. I would expect some emotions to crop up occasionally. But, having Jake definitely, definitely makes things a ton easier on the emotions. For one, he keeps me occupied. And for two, I already have a munchkin, so I wasn't nearly as desperate this time as I was the first time. I'm pretty sure I would need to have been institutionalized had this happened the first time!!!

Anyway, this explains my absence from the world of blogging in the past week, or so. I really wanted to blog about it, because I feel like it is often times viewed as such a shameful thing. It is not!! It is so much more common than one might think!! Did you know 15% of pregnancy result in miscarriage? That's 1 out of every 5-6 pregnancies. That's huge! So, if you are lucky enough to never have had one... count yourself very, very blessed!!

Happy weekend, my friends.