First of all, I want to say thank you for the outpouring of love and support I've gotten throughout the weekend from all my friends and family. You all are amazing.
What's on my mind today, is that I am extremely angry. And before you read on, know that I already know that I am treading on dangerous grounds by just having these feelings....
I have a lot of anger towards God at the moment because I just can't quite wrap my mind around why. And I know that's terrible to say, think, much less make extremely public. But I am wanting to know if you have any pointers on how to deal with your doubt, faith, anger, etc... in times of trial. I've never really been dealt this kind of a trial before. And I realize that there are far, far more difficult trials out there to face, or even facing me in my own future. I've faced things like jobs, friends, superficial stuff, but I've never really dealt with something like this. Something where God clearly knows the desires of my heart, yet continues to allow Satan to break it instead. I'm not looking for suggestions on how I should be dealing with it, that's the last thing I want. But I do want to know, if you have been in a sucky situation where you just thought, "Really, God? How could you keep allowing this crap to happen to one of your children?" what did you do to stay on top, spiritually? I don't consider myself like crazy on fire, at the moment, though I've been there in the past. I mean, is this His way of saying, "until you get back on the bandwagon, I'm not showing you my love?" And I know He never stopped loving me. I totally know that. But at this point, I'm just really pissed, actually, if I can say how I really feel. And I can, because it's my blog. :)
God is good. The Bible clearly says just that. But I'm not feelin' it right now. And it really makes me mad at Satan that I am feeling this way. I'm mad at Satan because he's winning more of this battle that I'd like. Like, it's almost like it's closer to a tie right now. Not saying I'm going to go Satan worshiping tomorrow, or anything. Ha! But I am saying that I am questioning God too much right now. I know I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't be angry with God. I know all this. But I still am. I'm really hacked off.
Bitterness. I know bitterness only harms the one that harbors the feelings, but that's me right now. And when I am bitter, I can not be used to my fullest potential by God; in fact, I can't really bring any glory to him at all. And that's my whole purpose as a Christian, so I know I really can't go down this route. That also makes me mad at Satan. So, maybe I am more mad at Satan. But it's like the saying goes, "The people that can hurt you the most, are the ones that you love the most". And I know that God was not sitting up in heaven striking lightening and saying, "That one over there, may she have two consecutive miscarriages in less than 7 months". I am fully aware that he does not make these unfortunate things happen. But really, he's God. He has the power to do whatever he wants. And if I (his child) beg Him for another child, is it too much to think He could make that happen?
I could certainly use your prayers right now. That I will overcome this bitterness and use this experience to grow. That my faith will not be shaken by this experience. Pray that God will deliver me from my grief like he did Jonah... pray for God to sprout up a shade tree for me like he did for Jonah. I know it is ok to initially be upset and even question God, I know this because even Jesus cried out, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?"
I am just having a really, really hard time praising Him in this storm.
I know I can get past this. I've been delivered from bondage before. But I'm not sure I've felt this hurt before. Besides, I know I have to snap out of it, because"...he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him" (Hebrews 11:6).
I have two choices: To decide that I am mad at God, or choose to trust Him anyway.
This is my sacrifice, Lord, now use it to your glory... and please... give me a shade tree.
1 comments:
Just wanted to say you're not alone. We had 5 miscarriages after our 1st child. Then I had 2 children and I recently had another miscarriage. It's hard to understand why God hasn't protected the babies that we loved and longed for. That's 6 dead babies for us.....but they are not dead. They are alive. They are safe in the presence of God. They are loved. They are safe. I'll get to wrap my arms around them one day. It seems like I have to wait a long time to get to heaven....but eternity is very, very long time. I pray that God fills you with peace and love. This is where the rubber meets the rode. There is a battle going on for our salvation. God has good things in store. Hang in there.
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