So. It's been a while. I stopped blogging shortly after Cohen was born. In hindsight, writing through all the emotions I dealt with throughout all our miscarriages and trying to get pregnant with Cohen, blogging really helped me sift through some of that grief. I didn't even realize it until just recently. Really.
I find myself making epic posts on facebook. So, I figured why not turn to the blog again. It helped once before. May as well give it a go this time.
I will say though, this time... dealing with all the emotions and heartache and grief... it is MUCH more difficult than all 3 miscarriages and infertility issues combined. Exponentially. Hands down.
And I don't say that lightly. If a miscarriage, or infertility, is the only thing you've ever been through, then let me be the first to say it IS a nightmare and it DOES suck terribly. Until Mollie died, it absolutely was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. There is just something incredibly life changing, horribly wrong, but also horribly right, about holding your dead baby in your arms. Looking into the face of the baby you were so excited to carry. It's absolutely the hardest thing I've ever had to live through.
We had planned on trying for another baby early this year. Both boys, and 2 of my miscarriages, were Clomid pregnancies. It isn't typical for me to get pregnant without Clomid. We were not trying to get pregnant. In December, we were slated to go on a cruise with a group of friends and all our kids. I've always either been pregnant or seriously nursing a kid when we were cruising. So, I was really, really looking forward to a cruise where I could enjoy an adult beverage on occasion. Lo, and behold, 2 weeks before we were to leave, I realized I was two days late. A friend asked me if I was going to test. I laughed it off because of my unlikeliness of getting pregnant without Clomid. But then I was like, what if I really AM pregnant? I need to start the blood thinner ASAP. So I tested, but FULLY expected a negative result. But there it was... positive. I was actually surprise pregnant?!? I had been pregnant 5 times, at that point, and not a single one of them was a surprise. Each pregnancy was carefully planned. Always taking appropriate meds prior to conception, based on the information I had each time.
This time, since we weren't really trying, I was (irresponsibly, in my opinion) not taking any vitamins. I have two genetic mutations that are responsible for my hostile uterus. One of them basically makes it difficult for my body to process folic acid. I should be taking folate all the time, even when not pregnant. I was not when I became pregnant with Mollie. Trust me, I beat myself up over it big time. Obviously, no one can say with certainty that that is what killed my daughter. But guilt is a part of grief that always has to be worked through. And I am not any different from any other griever. I asked my doctor, at one of my prenatal visits, if I should be taking a prenatal with folate. He said he didn't really think that had anything to do with my losses, and to just continue on with the blood thinner the way I was. So I didn't think anything else of it again. Until March 19th.
So, we found out we were pregnant at just around 4 weeks. Knowing I have to start blood thinners ASAP, I called my doctor. However, at that time, Derick had JUST started a new job and we were without insurance until February 1st. This was the very beginning of December... My doctor quickly assured me that I would be covered at the office until my insurance kicked in. But as for the blood thinner... dang those are expensive. I had to figure out a way to get those bad boys. Luckily, I was able to track some down that lasted me until February 1st.
I was certain that all these things were signs that this was a pregnancy that was going to last. I just knew that if God would allow my body to conceive a baby without any medical assistance...a surprise at that, provide medical care until insurance kicked in, and provide the expensive blood thinner... then there was no way that this baby wasn't meant to be. So, unlike my pregnancy with Cohen (where I did not at all allow myself to bond with him) I took to the idea of being pregnant and actually allowed myself to accept the pregnancy and get excited about it.
At around 6 weeks, I began spotting very minimally. I had a subchorionic hemorrhage, just like I had with Cohen. It quickly resolved, just like it did with Cohen.
The pregnancy progressed without a hitch. I was miserable, obviously, as is expected in early pregnancy. So this was a positive thing, even though I felt terrible! My regular appointments continued and my baby and I always checked out great.
At 15 weeks, we learned we were having a girl. We were SO excited. We had planned on this being our last pregnancy and I was so excited to get to experience having a girl. Jake was thrilled, as well, as he'd been asking for a sister for about a year. And I was really looking forward to seeing Derick be a daddy to a little girl, too.
We already knew what we'd name her. We'd had our girl name picked out since Jake was a fetus. Before we knew his gender, I have actual video of me calling him Mollie while looking at him on an ultrasound at work. So when we found out that this baby was a girl, I looked at Derick, while we were looking at her on ultrasound and said, "We finally got our Mollie, babe!" He was smiling and excited. We were both in disbelief at first. We quickly got used to the idea and I started letting myself buy girly things. I went a little overboard, as I'm sure most moms of boys do when they find out they're expecting a baby girl.
I went to an appointment at 18w2d. All was well. Mollie was still a girl. Bouncing around and perfect as could be. Doctor said he didn't need to see me for 4 weeks this time. My appointments had all been 2-3 weeks apart at that point. I did find out that I had an anterior placenta which made sense to me because I hadn't felt Mollie moving very much at all at that point in the pregnancy.
The following week was spring break. We had planned to go camping with friends at the end of spring break. I spent the week getting ready. On Wednesday evening, we headed to go camping. Right when Derick got home, before we left, I was laying on the bed and I actually SAW Mollie move. That's always one of those exciting moments. When you can start to see movement on the outside of your belly. I hollered for Derick to come in and feel. She didn't do it again.
Even though she lived a couple more days, that was one of the last times I felt Mollie move.
**this is getting long and out of control, so I'm gonna pause there and pick up later, so I guess that means "to be continued"**
1 comments:
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